Wishing

Ever feel like you wish too much?

I wish it was the weekend…
I wish I was more understood…
I wish I could get more sleep…
I wish it wasn’t so cold…
I wish it wasn’t so hot…
I wish I could eat a nice piece of bread…
I wish I wish it would snow…
I wish it was sunnier…

I don’t want my life to be that way, but I often catch myself right after “wishing” for something that’s not right in front of me, and then I think to myself, “stephanie, you’re going to wish your life right away….” I don’t always recognize it when I’m doing it, but I’m glad that I have those moments where I realize that I have so much to be thankful for, and I resolve once again to be more careful about what I wish for and more present in what I actually have.

And what I actually have is really quite amazing.

I was looking at pictures with Lindsey this morning of some of the many fun things that we’ve done together, and I was once again struck by how thankful I am that we are people who go on adventures and live life to the fullest…People who really try to embrace life even though it stings something awful (and even hurts something fierce) to embrace it so sometimes….People who truly believe in the beauty of this life we’ve been given and the power each moment can hold….People who want to live like masterpieces that the Creator has made. I always want us to strive to be these people, and sometimes when I look at our adventures or we plan something or we talk about a memory, I feel like we are at least a glimmer of those people…

…And it makes me very very thankful…And it chases the wishing out of my heart (no matter how innocent a wish)….And I feel full of joy and peace and hope. :)

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Friday

I am absolutely exhausted today!! My whole brain is mostly consumed with a sleepiness that makes me feel like I’m walking in a dream.

I spilled orange juice on the computer a minute ago and now it’s all sticky. I tried to clean it, but it doesn’t seem to be helping :P

I realized on Wednesday at Bible study how many years I’ve been an insomniac because I showed some of our friends a youtube movie that me and my sister and brother made many years ago about a poem I wrote called “the land of sleep deprivation” or something like that about a girl who can’t sleep in a land of people who can’t sleep. haha It was funny to see again. It wasn’t funny to think about that fact that I’ve been dealing with sleepless nights since I was about 13 though. Today I feel like I’m feeling the exhaustion of the last 14 years, but it’s probably more just the exhaustion of this week.

Tonight we are going to see the colorado symphony perform. I’m just looking forward to spending some quality time with my fiance. It feels like the weeks are flying by, so any time that we get to slow down and do fun things is special. I want to hang on to those moments the best I can! I’m hoping I’ll be awake enough to do that tonight.

I’m learning a lot about letting go though. I feel like God is consistently teaching me and reminding me of that concept of ¬†letting go of my ideas of perfection and how things “should” be and just being the way I am and rejoicing in the good things that are. So today I will say that I am thankful for…

my baby
the sunshine
the little boy I nanny and how cute he is
my puppies
my amazing friends
and the fact that I am dearly loved by my Heavenly Father

:)

Simplify

So I’ve decided that my mind and my life need some simplification. So I decided I’m taking a break from facebook, and am going to spend more time specifically focusing on my life here in Denver instead of spending too much time on the computer. This may result in more time to blog, read, write, walk outside, work, etc etc. It’s amazing to me that I feel so stretched thin to the end of myself when all I’ve done all day is be at home. That clued me in to the fact that I’m not doing the things that truly give me joy and peace and purpose. So I’m going to experiment and try taking out some things and putting in some other things to see how that changes my life daily. :) I’m actually quite excited about making this change, but absolutely unsure of what it’s going to be like. The fact that I don’t know what my life will be like without facebook and more grounded in the present is a big clue to me that it’s something I definitely need to do!! Here’s to a new adventure of simplifying my life!

In other news (incredibly big news!), Lindsey asked me to marry her yesterday, and I said YES :D She took me away to this beautiful inn in Grand Lake for the weekend. I took this pic when we first got there…

Lindsey wrote me a poem asking me to come away with her and it was so romantic. I was so happy to be in such a beautiful place with my favorite person in the whole world. Look how beautiful this place is…

But this was my favorite view of the weekend :)

We went kayaking together…

And the next day we went hiking by a waterfall and my Lindsey asked me to marry her :) I was very happy!

I love her so much. I am incredibly blessed and thankful that God brought her into my life 4 years ago. She is my soul mate. She makes me a better person. God is so good to us! We see His hand working in our lives, in our relationship, all around us. It is a beautiful and wonderful thing. Thanks baby for such an amazingly fun, romantic, and memorable weekend filled with love!

rainy day thoughts

thunderstorm
I think I’m starving to death
There isn’t any food in this place
All I want is you

So many thoughts on my mind
It isn’t easy being the black one
And blue
You make it better

I’m exhausted
And the boys keep trying to get my attention
But I don’t want any
Anything but you

He is everything
I know His presence
I’m not afraid
I see His gift in you

I want to watch a love story
It makes me think of you
As if I need any help
With that particular thought

I don’t know how to write a love song
I can’t dance
I don’t need a big affair
Just a little glance from your eyes

And there isn’t enough time
In the evening
But there’s too much time
Until I see you

There’s a stupid song playing now
About pretty girls
And picking the right one
I don’t need any help there either

I got you
You got me
You can hold my hand
We’ll walk into forever